SICK DAYS:
We will no longer accept a doctor statement as proof of sickness. If
you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

SURGERY:
Operations are now banned. As long as you are an employee here, you
need all your organs. You should not consider removing anything. We
hired you intact. To have something removed constitutes a breach of
employment.

PERSONAL DAYS:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called
Saturday and Sunday.

VACATION DAYS:
All employees will take their vacation at the same time every year. The
vacation days are as follows: Jan. 1, July 4 & Dec. 25

BEREAVEMENT LEAVE:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for
dead friends, relatives or coworkers. Every effort should be made to
have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where
employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in
the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your
lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early, provided your share of
the work is done enough.

OUT FROM YOUR OWN DEATH:
This will be accepted as an excuse. However, we require at least two
weeks notice, as it is your duty to train your own replacement.

RESTROOM USE:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the restroom. In the future,
we will follow the practice of going in alphabetical order. For
instance, all employees whose names begin with 'A' will go from 8:00 to
8:20, employees whose names begin with 'B' will go from 8:20 to 8:40 and
so on. If you're unable to go at your allotted time, it will be
necessary to wait until the next day when your turn comes again. In
extreme emergencies employees may swap their time with a coworker. Both
employees' supervisors in writing must approve this exchange. In
addition, there is now a strict 3-minute time limit in the stalls. At
the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll
will retract, and the stall door will open.

LUNCH BREAK:
Skinny people get an hour for lunch as they need to eat more so that
they can look healthy, normal size people get 30 minutes for lunch to
get a balanced meal to maintain the average figure. Fat people get 5
minutes for lunch because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim
Fast and take a diet pill. Sondra gets none.

DRESS CODE:
It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary,
if we see you wearing $350 Prada sneakers and carrying a $600 Gucci bag
we assume you are doing well financially and therefore you do not need a
raise.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a
positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions comments,
concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations,
insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternations
or input should be directed elsewhere.

Have a nice week...

__________________

You forgot:
Your own death is no excuse for missing work. You don't have to attend the funeral everyone else will see to that for you. Absence will only be allowed after presentation of an interral or cremation certificate.

It sounds a little bit like my workplace