THE DIGITAL PORT GAZETTE. Issue 3
December 2004 (Mega Edition) Merry Christmas
Well….the time is getting close, all the birdies are flying south for warm weather, ground frosts are appearing all over the country, Christmas lists are flying up chimneys and Santa’s checking them twice. Meanwhile, in Santa’s workshop, Hairy is busy servicing the Reindeers (Must talk to him about that!) in preparation for their Trans World deliveries. Everywhere you look Christmas is beginning to appear, decorations in shops, Christmas lights in people’s trees and windows and even a Christmas header on The Digital Port web site. Tis the season to be jolly, to be kind to your fellow man (and Woman) to help each other and to enjoy this magical time of the year. We, The Staff, wish every member, every visitor……..every one, A Very Merry Christmas and a Prosperous 2005.
DVD Problems
It all started with a Proline DVD100 bought by Steve63 from Comet. Steve was looking for a machine to play region free DVD’s and VCD’s. Not a difficult task I hear you say, and normally you’d be right but due to a lack of information provided by the manufacturer, it turned into a Pre-Christmas nightmare.
After trying many hacks it turned out that the unit was too new and therefore no hacks were available. Not only this, it also wouldn’t play Steve’s burned DVD’s. Soooooo, after many hours of trying to get the unit to work (including calls to The Samaritans) , Our intrepid hero takes the player back to Comet and descends upon his unsuspecting Curry’s. Proud as punch Steve emerges with a brand new Matsui DVD225. He gets it home and enters the unlock code. SUCCESS!! Steve breathed a sigh of relief. Until he tried his VCD’s into the unit. After trawling the internet again, Steve gave up and headed back to Curry’s and plonked it back on the desk.
Once more he left the shop with a new machine, an Apex AD1100. Yippee…surely this one must be the dogs dangly bits, Err…No…not quite, for this machine wouldn’t play VCD’s either! By now Steve was slowly turning scarlet as he marched back to Curry’s who were desperately trying to relocate the store. Steve sprinted past security and onto the “Returns” counter. Twenty minutes later he was loading another machine, a Philips DVD DVP520 into his car. It was connected up, DVD’s and VCD’s were inserted…….AND ALL WORKED!!
Steve has got over his blood pressure problems now, and where Curry’s once stood is a Chip Shop. The moral of this (true-ish) story is simple, if your looking to buy a DVD player that plays burned DVD’s and VCD’s and can be made region free….FOR GAWDS SAKE DON’T TAKE STEVE63 WITH YOU!!!
Motorcycle Accident
Welcome back to Eve (Pro-Gamer) who has spent awhile away from the site due to an unfortunate motorcycle accident. Eve came off her bike whilst attempting to jump twelve George W Bush impersonators blindfolded and stark naked. Her 50cc Dragonfly moped was severely damaged in the accident but fortunately all thirteen Bush’s were without injury. Eve broke two fingers in the crash and only noticed when she came to wave good-bye to her mechanic. (Apparently the mechanic hadn’t serviced the bike properly as he had a job on the side servicing Santa’s Reindeers…………….must talk to him about that!)
Surprise of the Month
Hybrid has vehemently denied that he is in the process of forming an ABBA tribute band along with hairy (as the blonde bird). Rumours were rife when he was spotted leaving a Ann Summers party in red plastic rip-off hot-pants. Our on scene reporter easily caught up with him as hybrid was having trouble with his stilettos. When asked for a comment we got this exclusive reply. “£$*#ards!! His wife (Mrs hybrid) was reported to be undergoing surgery to mend three cracked ribs due to laughing at his attempts to find sanctuary at The Working Mens Club. According to some reports hybrid surfaced the next morning walking like John Wayne (Probably the stilettos), in fact he looked so bow legged, that he was hung up over the entrance door for good luck. Hairy, however dispelled the rumours as gossip originating from another site jealous at Digital Ports success. “Won’t find me in any tribute band” he growled “I’m too busy this year in Panto!”
True Tec Support Transcripts (Honest)
Chips
Customer: "You people owe me a new computer."
Tech Support: "You're having trouble with your computer? What seems to be the problem?"
Customer: "Well, I bought some memory from you people, and ever since I installed it into my computer, it's been doing nothing but making grinding noises, and nothing works anymore!"
Tech Support: "Grinding noises?? It shouldn't be doing that!"
Customer: "I know that! That's why you people owe me a new computer, and I'm going to charge you for lost downtime and my inconvenience."
Grinding noises from SIMMs? This was a new one.
Tech Support: "Sir, did you install those chips yourself or did someone do it for you?"
Customer: "I'm not an idiot! I did it myself. I put them right in that slot in the front of the computer, smart aleck."
Drive Problems
Tech Support: "What seems to be the problem with our drives?"
Customer: "They don't work! I've had three of the &*@$# things and none of them work. It's against the law to sell a product that you know is worthless, and you're not going to get away with it any longer!"
Tech Support: "What's the problem with them?"
Customer: "They won't let me write to the disk! You people ought to be ashamed of yourselves!"
Tech Support: "Does it give you any kind of error message?"
Customer: "You're %#^$%@ right it does! The same one every &*^#@ time! They all say, 'Write protect error reading drive A:'! What's the use of a floppy drive if you can't write to the &*#&$* thing!?"
Missing Files
Customer: "All my files I saved last week to my C: drive are missing!"
Tech Support: "Do you remember what directory you first saved them in?"
Customer: "No, I don't. I just know it was on my C: drive."
Tech Support: "Ok, I'll walk you through how to find the files."
Customer: "I wouldn't think I would be losing files on this computer. Gee, I just had the hard drive replaced in it yesterday."
You’ve Been Fingered
Tech Support: "Thank you for calling. How can I help you?"
Customer: "Help!"
Tech Support: "What's the problem, sir?"
Customer: "My drive started making funny noises, so I put my finger in it to see what was wrong, and now I CAN'T GET IT OUT!!"
Email Address
Customer: "Hi, I want to change my email address."
Tech Support: "Of course, sir, may I ask why?"
Customer: "I think it's too long."
Tech Support: "Can you tell me what your email address is now?"
Customer: firstnamelastnamestreetadresszipcode... @[isp].nl.
Disk Problems
Customer: "I got this problem. You people sent me this install disk, and now my A: drive won't work."
Tech Support: "Your A drive won't work?"
Customer: "That's what I said. You sent me a bad disk, it got stuck in my drive, now it won't work at all."
Tech Support: "Did it not install properly? What kind of error messages did you get?"
Customer: "I didn't get any error message. The disk got stuck in the drive and wouldn't come out. So I got these pliers and tried to get it out. That didn't work either."
Tech Support: "You did what sir?"
Customer: "I got these pliers, and tried to get the disk out, but it wouldn't budge. I just ended up cracking the plastic stuff a bit."
Tech Support: "I don't understand sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, so then I got a stick of butter and melted it and used a turkey baster and put the butter in the drive, around the disk, and that got it loose. Then I used the pliers and it came out fine. I can't believe you would send me a disk that was broke and defective."
Tech Support: "Let me get this clear. You put melted butter in your A: drive and used pliers to pull the disk out?"
At this point, I put the call on the speaker phone and motioned at the other techs to listen in.
Tech Support: "Just so I am absolutely clear on this, can you repeat what you just said?"
Customer: "I said I put butter in my A: drive to get your ****py disk out, then I had to use pliers to pull it out."
Tech Support: "Did you push that little button that was sticking out when the disk was in the drive, you know, the thing called the disk eject button?"
Silence.
Tech Support: "Sir?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Sir, did you push the eject button?"
Customer: "No, but you people are going to fix my computer, or I am going to sue you for breaking my computer?"
Tech Support: "Let me get this straight. You are going to sue our company because you put the disk in the A: drive, didn't follow the instructions we sent you, didn't actually seek professional advice, didn't consult your user's manual on how to use your computer properly, instead proceeding to pour butter into the drive and physically rip the disk out?"
Customer: "Ummmm."
Tech Support: "Do you really think you stand a chance, since we do record every call and have it on tape?"
Customer: (now rather humbled) "But you're supposed to help!"
Tech Support: "I am sorry sir, but there is nothing we can do for you. Have a nice day."
Install Problems
Customer: "The install fails half way through. I tried several times, and it always fails at the same point."
Tech Support: "Did you see any kind of error message?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "What did the error message say?"
Customer: "It said, 'Please insert Disk 2.'"
Tech Support: "Have you got another disk there?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Is it labelled 'Disk 2'?"
Customer: "Yes, it is."
Tech Support: "Insert that disk into the drive, and click 'OK'."
Customer: "Wow, thanks! That's fixed it. It's installing now. What was it, a faulty disk or something?"
Ctrl-alt-delb
Tech Support: "Ok, ma'am, I need you to do a ctrl-alt-del."
Customer: "How do I do that?"
Tech Support: "Push and hold 'ctrl' and 'alt' at the same time, and then hit 'delete'."
Customer: "Where are those?"
Tech Support: (explains the location of the keys)
Customer: "Nothing happened."
Tech Support: "Try again."
Customer: "Still nothing."
A minute or two later....
Customer: "Should I turn my computer on? Would that help?"
DOH!
Student: "So it'll look up phone numbers for me?"
Me: "That's right."
Student: "Does it have to be on the right page?"
Me: "Uh, do you mean the right screen, or...?"
Student: "No, I know it has to be my own computer screen. But when I hold the phone book up to the screen for the computer to look up the number, does it have to be on the right page?"
Tech Support: "Yeah, it might."
More Disk Problems
Tech Support: "Ok, I can help you install the software. Would you like me to do that?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "All right, can you insert the disk in the disk drive please?"
Customer: "How?"
Tech Support: "Place the disk in the opening at the front of the computer."
Customer: "Will I have to have my computer delivered before we can do this?"
Tech Support: "Um yes, that might be an idea."
Bar Code
Customer: "Hello. I can't get on the network."
Tech Support: "Ok. Just read me your asset number so we can open an outage."
Customer: "What is that?"
Tech Support: "That little barcode on the front of your computer."
Customer: "Ok. Big bar, little bar, big bar, big bar . . ."
Cancel?
Tech Support: "All right. Now click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "Yes, click 'OK'."
Customer: "Click 'OK'?"
Tech Support: "That's right. Click 'OK'."
Customer: "So I click 'OK', right?"
Tech Support: "Right. Click 'OK'."
Pause.
Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "YOU CLICKED 'CANCEL'???"
Customer: "That's what I was supposed to do, right?"
Tech Support: "No, you were supposed to click 'OK'."
Customer: "I thought you said to click 'Cancel'."
Tech Support: "NO. I said to click 'OK'."
Customer: "Oh."
Tech Support: "Now we have to start over."
Customer: "Why?"
Tech Support: "Because you clicked 'Cancel'."
Customer: "Wasn't I supposed to click 'Cancel'?"
Tech Support: "No. Forget that. Let's start from the top."
Customer: "Ok."
I spent the next fifteen minutes re-constructing the carefully crafted setup for this lady's unique computer.
Tech Support: "All right. Now, are you ready to click 'OK'?"
Customer: "Yes."
Tech Support: "Great. Now click 'OK'."
Pause.
Customer: "I clicked 'Cancel'.
Microsoft Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.
PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To
santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -
Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.
After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.
No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me)
No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the
Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.
More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
"Now, ADOBE! Now, CLARIS! Now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,
It is
Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist,
It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist -
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.
Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is
Microsoft's scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"
And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter's nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the
sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the
Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.
And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
Have a
Microsoft Christmas, and to all a good night.
A Computer Christmas
'Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the shop,
The computers were whirring; they never do stop.
The power was on and the temperature right,
In hopes that the input would feed back that night.
The system was ready, the program was coded,
And memory drums had been carefully loaded;
While adding a Christmasy glow to the scene,
The lights on the console, flashed red, white and green.
When out in the hall there arose such a clatter,
The programmer ran to see what was the matter.
Away to the hallway he flew like a flash,
Forgetting his key in his curious dash.
He stood in the hallway and looked all about,
When the door slammed behind him, and he was locked out.
Then, in the computer room what should appear,
But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.
And a little old man, who with scarcely a pause,
Chuckled: "My name is Santa...the last name is Claus."
The computer was startled, confused by the name,
Then it buzzed as it heard the old fellow exclaim:
"This is Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen,
And Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen."
With all these odd names, it was puzzled anew;
It hummed and it clanked, and a main circuit blew.
It searched in its memory core, trying to "think";
Then the multi-line printer went out on the blink.
Unable to do its electronic job,
It said in a voice that was almost a sob:
"Your eyes - how they twinkle - your dimples so merry...
Your cheeks so like roses, your nose like a cherry,
Your smile - all these things, I've been programmed to know,
And at data-recall, I am more than so-so;"
"But your name and your address (computers can't lie),
Are things that I just cannot identify.
You've a jolly old face and a little round belly,
That shakes when you laugh like a bowlful of jelly."
"My scanners can see you, but still I insist,
Since you're not in my program, you cannot exist!"
Old Santa just chuckled a merry "ho, ho,"
And sat down to type out a quick word or so.
The keyboard clack-clattered, its sound sharp and clean,
As Santa fed this "data" to the machine:
"Kids everywhere know me; I come every year;
The presents I bring add to everyone's cheer;
But you won't get anything - that's plain to see;
Too bad your programmers forgot about me."
Then he faced the machine and said with a shrug,
"Merry Christmas to all," as he pulled out its plug!
Other News
Doctor missed 45 stab wounds
A doctor called to the death bed of an 87-year-old man failed to notice he had been stabbed 45 times.
The doctor, who had several house calls to make, pronounced the cause of death as "old age".
The dead man's wife had called the doctor to their house in Riga, Latvia, but according to local media was "too shocked" to tell him what had happened.
The doctor presumed the octogenarian had died in his sleep without checking the body.
His mistake was only revealed when workers at a funeral parlour in the Latvian capital began to prepare the body for cremation and discovered 45 stab wounds.
Police are now questioning the unnamed couple's 33-year-old neighbour in connection with the murder.
Man sets house on fire trying to kill mosquito
A Japanese man set his parents' house on fire as he tried to get rid of a mosquito.
Police say the property was gutted in the blaze caused by Tatsuo Onishi lighting a cigarette after spraying pesticide outside.
Sparks from his lighter caused an explosion after igniting the flammable particles in the air and flames quickly spread to the building in Matsuyama.
Mr Onishi had been taking a nap inside his car parked outside his home when the mosquito began to annoy him, reports the Mainichi Daily News website.
The 22-year-old attempted to exterminate the insect by spraying the area immediately outside the house.
He suffered minor burns to his face and neck in the incident. Nobody else was hurt.
One consolation for unlucky Tatsuo is that police believe the mosquito was killed in the fire.
Mayor: 'Stop pestering me for sex'
A mayor who set up a direct hotline for people to call with civic problems is asking bored housewives to stop inviting him round for sex.
Cristian Anghel, mayor of Baia Mare in Romania, claims he had more than a hundred calls in the last week from women declaring their love for him.
He said many come straight out and even invite him round for sex, local daily Libertatea reported.
Mayor Anghel said: "The number was meant for complaints but some women took it as a sex hotline.
"I hear declarations of love and some have even made erotic proposals to me.
"I can understand these ladies have desires but their kind of problems need to be solved somewhere else, not at the Town Hall."
Scientists develop robot cockroach
Scientists have developed a robot cockroach that can infiltrate a group of real bugs.
InsBot, developed by researchers in France, Belgium and Switzerland, is capable of influencing a group of cockroaches and altering their behaviour.
Scientists say it could lead to robots stopping sheep from jumping off cliffs and encouraging chickens to take exercise.
A student spent three years filming cockroachs and making a computer program that reproduced their movements.
The second stage was to build a robot capable of detecting cockroaches, of moving like them and of becoming inactive in the dark.
InsBot, which is green, the size of a matchbox and equipped with lasers and a light sensor, was developed by Switzerland's Federal Polytechnic School in Lausanne.
When it bumps into a cockroach, it does what they do: it stops moving. The more cockroaches that approach it, the longer it remains stationary.
The third stage, undertaken by the French Centre for Scientific Research in Brittany, was to isolate the molecules that give cockroaches their smell - to create a cockroach perfume - and to spray it on the robot.
"It is plausible and realistic to imagine that in five or 10 years time, people with a cockroach infestation will be buying robots to get rid of them," said project co-ordinator Jean-Louis Deneubourg.
'Naked' scanner deployed at Heathrow
An x-ray security scanner that sees through peoples' clothes has been deployed at Heathrow Airport.
The device, at Terminal 4, produces a 'naked' image of passengers by bouncing X-rays off their skin.
It means staff can instantly spot any hidden weapons or explosives - but the graphic black and white images raise privacy concerns.
In the US, officials are refusing to deploy the device until it can be further refined to protect passengers' modesty.
The new scanner is on trial until the end of the year at Heathrow. If the trial goes well, it could be rolled out across all British airports.
Passengers are picked to go through the body scanner on a random and voluntary basis. Those who refuse are subjected to an automatic hand search.
Security officials claim it is a far more effective way of countering potential terrorists because it detects the outline of any solid object and not just metal ones.
"I was quite shocked by what I saw," said Gary Cook, 40, a graphic designer from Shaftesbury. "I felt a bit embarrassed looking at the image."
A female passenger, who did not want to be named, said: "It was really horrible. It doesn't leave much to the imagination because you're virtually naked, but I guess it's less intrusive than being hand searched."
Horoscopes
Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
You better start cooking now. That 25 pound turkey is going to take a while to cook on your CPU.
Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
As the holiday season approaches don't lose sight of what it really means; lots of days off from work.
Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
You'll realize much earlier this year, that Christmas songs are really annoying.
Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
You'll discover that coating the turkey with thermal paste might help it cook faster, but it's murder on your digestive tract.
Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Your house might get egged less, if you'd stop handing out AOL CDs to the trick or treaters.
Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars predict doom, if you attempt to build that computer by yourself or at least a really nasty gash.
Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
You finally beat that game that's been monopolizing all your time... with a bat.
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
Today is a good day to share. Unfortunately, the RIAA doesn't agree.
Cancer
June 22 - July 22
This week you will have the opportunity to spend some time alone and reflect upon your life. Who knew getting locked in the trunk of your car could be good?
Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
The stars suggest you perform your genetic experiments on very small animals this week, because one of them will go berserk.
Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
You’ll realize that the month you spent training in Philadelphia on how to avoid sliding turtle shells never prepared you for fireballs.
Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
While you may be depressed about the election results, take a minute to reflect on the fact that you live in Denmark.
A Word
I would just like to add a few words of my own at this point; I note that The Boss (Hybrid) has put a poll on the front page of the site asking you to vote on how you perceive The Gazette. I would personally like to thank all who voted and especially those who commented. I hope everyone gets as much enjoyment out of reading it as I do writing and researching it. A BIG thank you. By the way, if anyone has any funny stories or has any dirt on other members, then drop me a line at the address at the bottom of the page. Nuff Said…Lets Party….Merry Christmas. Helslayer
NOTICE
If anyone would like access to the Adult forums on the site, please drop an email to either
helslayer@digitalport.co.uk or
hairy@digitalport.co.uk confirming your date of birth and requesting membership. Please note this forum is for adults only, anyone underage who attempts to mislead the staff will be banned immediately. If you are easily offended then please do not apply for membership. You should allow up to three days before you are able to access this forum. The decision of the staff is final.
***If you would like to contribute to The Digitalport Gazette, then drop an email with your story or news to
helslayer@digitalport.co.uk. Content will usually appear in the next edition with due recognition.***
:roflmao:
Linear Mode
