THE DIGITALPORT GAZETTE Issue Ten July 2005

**helslayer** · #1 (**permalink**) 07-09-2005, 11:18 AM

THE DIGITALPORT GAZETTE
Issue Ten July 2005

New Forums Hit Town
The new forums were launched earlier this month and were an instant hit with everyone. Faster, Sleeker, Faster, More Options, Faster, New Forums and………did I mention Faster. Anyway, much, much better than the previous offering and much more secure too. Many thanks to Syrus for the long hours he put into this and thanks to Hairy for not breaking them the first time he posted.

London Bombings
We are all aware of the cowardly terrorist attacks in The Capital earlier this week, the many people killed or maimed and loved ones still searching for family members; please visit the LONDON thread in the Hangout Lounge to post your comments and condolences. We can all show that this despicable action will never bring our country down. Thank you.

The News
'Ghost ship' crew were asleep
German cops chasing a 'ghost ship' on the River Rhine had to make a daring jump on board from a speedboat to rouse the sleeping crew.

The Dutch freight ship Scout Marin had broken free of its moorings at a port near Leverkusen and was sailing down the River Rhine with its crew fast asleep in their cabins.

River police were finally called in after attempts to wake them by other sailors, whose vessels were almost hit by the Scout Marin, failed.

But even the noise from police helicopters and megaphone announcements failed to get them out of their beds leaving officers with no other choice than to leap on board to rouse them.

One officer said: "It was like a ghost ship cruising down the river. The whole boat was silent."

Pyjama-clad officers and crew were then able to re-establish control of their ship.

Bush: 'Time I grew up'
George Bush said it was time he grew up after cycling into a policeman - on his 59th birthday.

The US president's mishap came on his mountain bike outside the G8 venue, reports the Mirror.

Mr Bush, left with cuts to an arm and hand, showed off grazed fingers to reporters and grinned: "It goes to show I should act my age."

The officer had a check-up and returned to duty at the Gleneagles Hotel after Wednesday's accident.

The president blamed a rigorous work-out and the damp conditions as he appeared at an early press call with Tony Blair.

He said: "When you ride a mountain bike, sometimes you fall, otherwise you are not riding hard. The pavement was slick and the bike came off underneath me."

His concern, he said, was for the Strathclyde officer adding: "I talked to him. He is doing fine."

In May last year Mr Bush crashed his bike on his ranch. In 2002, he famously fainted and toppled off his sofa in the White House when he choked on a pretzel and in June 2003, he fell off a scooter at his estate in Maine.

Tom Cruise sparks 'alien' panic
War Of The Worlds has been blamed for a mass panic in Siberia after locals mistook a tornado for an alien invasion.

People in the Khabarovsk region of Siberia jumped into their cars and fled their homes in panic when the freak wind arrived out of nowhere, flattening trees and destroying property.

But officials from local emergency services said the destruction had been caused by a freak tornado that ripped through the area.

They blamed the fear of an alien invasion on the recent showing of the Tom Cruise epic.

Natalia Lukash, spokesperson for Russia's Far-Eastern Emergency Situations Centre, said: "It was a strange phenomenon and many people jumped to the wrong conclusion and believed it had been caused by alien space ships landing in the area."

A team of experts has been sent to the area to survey the damage.

True Computer Complaints
Take heart, anyone among you who believes you are technologically challenged, you "ain't seen nuthin' yet." These are actual complaints made by computer owners.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door.

4. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of troubleshooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

5. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboar! d no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

6. A confused caller to IBM was having trouble printing documents. He told the technician that the computer had said it "couldn't find printer" The user had also tried turning the computer screen to face the printer but that his computer still couldn't "see" the printer.

7. An exasperated caller to Dell Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

8. A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was running it under "Windows." The woman responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window and his printer is working fine."

9. Tech Support: "O.K. Bob, let's press control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a "P". Tech: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech: ""P" on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!!!"

Police File
Chicago: A man was wanted for throwing bricks through jewelry store windows and making off with the loot. He was arrested last night after throwing a brick into a Plexiglas window...the brick bounced back, hit him in the head and knocked him cold until the police got there.

Portsmouth, RI: Police charged Gregory Rosa, 25, with a string of vending machine robberies in January when he: 1. fled from police inexplicably when they spotted him loitering around a vending machine and 2. later tried to post his $400 bail in coins.

Lake City, Florida: Karen Lee Joachimi, 20, was arrested for robbery of a Howard Johnson's motel. She was armed with only an electric chainsaw, which was not plugged in.

When Stan Caddell wanted to wash his Chevrolet, he backed the car into a foot of water in the Mississippi River at Hannibal, Missouri. When he got out to clean the car, it floated away. Police were able to retrieve the vehicle some distance downstream. According to an officer on the scene, no action would be taken against the driver because "you can't ticket a guy for being stupid..."

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicle's license plate still attached to the bumper.

A bank robber in Bumpus, Tenn., handed a teller the following note: "Watch out. This is a rubbery. I hav an oozy traned on your but. Dump the in a sack, this one. No die packkets or other triks or I will tare you a new naval. No kwarter with red stuff on them, too." Dr. Creon V.B. Smyk of the Ohio Valley Educational Council says such notes are, lamentably, the rule. "Right across the board, we see poor pre-writing skills, problems with omissions, tense, agreement, spelling and clarity," he moaned. Smyk believes that the quality of robbery notes could be improved if criminals could be taught to plan before writing. "We have to stress organization: Make an outline of your robbery note before you write it," he said. "Some of the notes get totally sidetracked on issues like the make, model and caliber of the gun, number of bullets, etc., until one loses sight of the main idea -- the robbery."

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense: "My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb." "Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to one year's imprisonment. He can accompany it or not, as he chooses." The defendant smiled. With his lawyer's assistance he detached his artificial limb, laid it on the bench, and walked out.

A man in Orange County Municipal Court had been ticketed for driving alone in the carpool lane. He claimed that the four frozen cadavers in the mortuary van he was driving should be counted. The judged ruled that passengers must be alive to qualify.

A man was arrested for stealing a car. When he was taken to court for his arraignment the judge asked, how do you plead? Instead of saying guilty or not guilty the man said: "Before we go any further, judge, let me explain why I stole the car." The judge ruled in record time.

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Horoscopes
Gemini
May 21 - June 21
The guys from Netflix called, they want to know why you've put all 14,000 movies in your rental queue, especially The Big Lebowski.

Cancer
June 22 - July 22
Sure, the dust bunnies in your computer case had a hand in destroying your video card, but giving them a bath was probably the bigger issue.

Leo
July 23 - Aug 22
You've found something louder than the airhorn to blast at telemarketers, unfortunately keeping the jet engine running all the time takes a lot of fuel.

Virgo
Aug 23 - Sep 22
According to your friends using duct tape to fix your keyboard doesn't make you an ubergeek. Apparently dork != geek.

Libra
Sep 23 - Oct 23
A small leak will sink a great ship, but a public leak at Borders will land you in jail.

Scorpio
Oct 24 - Nov 21
How were you supposed to know that Beggin' Strips were dog treats?

Sagittarius
Nov 22 - Dec 21
"You won't like me when I'm angry." That's nothing, people don't like you in any emotional state.

Capricorn
Dec 22 - Jan 19
Your "Why do you think they call it a 'hard' drive?" line doesn't convince your spouse that your porno collection needs to be kept on your computer.

Aquarius
Jan 20 - Feb 18
Blaming Orrin Hatch for destroying your parents' computer will only work if you remember to hide the soldering iron and the fire extinguisher.

Pisces
Feb 19 - Mar 20
Congratulations on that new Pentium 6 you just bought, despite the fact that they don't exist yet.

Aries
Mar 21 - Apr 19
The stars can't give you your horoscope today. They are waiting in line at the bookstore for the new Harry Potter book.

Taurus
Apr 20 - May 20
You'll realize how bored you are at work when you start counting the amount of letters in the names of all your desktop icons.

***If you would like to contribute to The Digitalport Gazette, then drop an email with your story or news to helslayer@gmail.com Content will usually appear in the next edition with due recognition.***

**hairy** · #2 (**permalink**) 07-09-2005, 08:31 PM

nice one hels

**helslayer** · #3 (**permalink**) 07-09-2005, 08:44 PM

Thanks mate

**Syrus XL Media** · #4 (**permalink**) 07-09-2005, 09:45 PM

Cool hels...

Btw, I added to your Reputation level!

**helslayer** · #5 (**permalink**) 07-09-2005, 11:48 PM

Whoooohooooo....thanks a lot Boss

**Wowwie** · #6 (**permalink**) 08-11-2008, 03:33 PM

very informative love the Gazzette keep up the great work